We've known each other all our lives. We've shared secrets, tragedies and countless moments of awe. There were silly times like the night we stayed up surfing a foot fetish web site laughing until we were hoarse at the descriptions and photos of feet. Or how about the day you were bitching about all the spam in your inbox and we compared emails. You were getting breast enhancement whereas I was inundated with penis ads. The image of you, shaved head, stocky build, sporting triple H knockers had me rolling on the floor.
Remember the discussions we had about Billy Joel's song "We Didn't Start the Fire"? Can you recall the list of family members we swore we'd never be like? We didn't start the fire, but we don't need to perpetuate it. We'd be smarter. We'd learn from their mistakes and foolish acts.
So tell me Calvin, what the hell just happened? Things I've been hearing are leaving me absolutely speechless, not to mention nauseated.
Dude, you just leaped into the fire. I have to ask what makes you think it's going to work out any better for you than it did for all our dumb ass relatives? You were supposed to learn from history - not repeat it! Apparently the lesson was lost on you. In an odd way I find it rather funny, as in humorous and pathetic at the same time.
I've given the situation due consideration and have arrived at a conclusion. In the words of my favorite 80's t-shirt, You - out of the gene pool. If the only way to end this selfish madness is to terminate the family tree, then so be it. You are about to get logged.
One thing life has taught me about self-centered people is that I can inform them of precisely how I will deal with them. It always amazes me how shocked people are when their time comes like they really didn't believe actions have consequences. Since you've lost your listening skills I'm putting it in writing so there will be no misunderstanding.
Calvin, you will be terminated with prejudice on a day and at an hour of my choosing. I appreciate how easy you are making this for me in that you've managed pissing off a number of vocal people. When someone finally reports you as missing the cops will look to those people first. Due to the nature of our relationship it's highly doubtful I'll even be considered suspect . I wonder how many sympathy cards I'll get?
For years I've had to cope with people making fun of my OCD. Interesting thing about OCD, combined with my love of research it's made me very organized and efficient. I have no doubts that I'll be able to terminate you, neatly and dispose of your body.
Dude, you're in Oregon. We both own 4-wheel drives. On the maps those wide open spaces are labeled forests. Locals know they're dumping grounds. And bodies are seldom discovered. Maybe I'll give you a choice of Siskiyou or Umpqua. Maybe I'll dump you in one and leave your truck parked next to a favorite fishing hole in the other. Would you like that? I can be accommodating, after all, it's your funeral so to speak.
Love ya. Tell the folks I said Hi. I'll be seeing you soon.