Thursday, September 29, 2011

That got you awake

I am told I have a blatant disregard for authority.  Hmm. I wonder where that notion came from?  Could be I stayed awake during that portion of government class covering the Bill of Rights - that all men (and women) are created equal.  Maybe it was from George Carlin.  More than likely it's because I get a huge kick out of the shock factor, which is another reason I'm the Evil Twin.
Tonight the question circling my head like an annoying mosquito is: who pays for crime scene cleanup?  A simple enough question that can be easily answered tomorrow when State Farm's office opens.  However, being me I am entertaining how to ask the question depending upon whether or not the agent who takes the call knows me.  For the sake of this blog, let's assume I call Judy tomorrow.  It would go something like this:

"Hey Judy, the cops have hauled a dead guy out of the house.  Who's gonna pay to cleanup this mess?  There's blood everywhere, splattered on the furniture and the carpet's ruined.  I'm covered, right?"

'That dead guy wouldn't happen to be related to you?  Are you calling from lockup?  Where's your dog?"  About this time Judy will notice caller ID displays a non-Oregon area code. "Are you on vacation?  Oh my god; you aren't home and someone was killed in the house?"

People's minds sort incoming bits by order of relevance to where their head is currently at, which does not directly translate to how well they were paying attention.  This is especially true when presenting a task related question to an on-the-clock professional.  The real trick is timing.  For example, Phoenix Airport 2007: armed TSA official has concluded scrutinizing my ID and boarding pass.  As he hands them back his eyes go to the endless line behind me.  "I'm good to go?"  He nods and jerks a thumb towards the next security check point.  His expression made me say it.  "Best damn forgery you've ever seen, huh?"  

One thousand one, one thousand two; around the twenty second mark his head snapped up.  I was trying so hard not to laugh, tears were rolling down my face.  The fact I wasn't led away in handcuffs merely means there wasn't any middle-age, white, overweight women on the terrorist watch list that day.

Since I left Oregon I wonder upon occasion who is keeping security awake at the Douglas County Courthouse.  The standard pre-search questions are: Do you have weapons of any kind - guns, knives or razor blades? Is there anything on your person or in your belongings that will cut or puncture me? 
Ok, please read the questions again.  Did the officer ask if you are in possession of a green and pink squeaky dinosaur? 

I had taken one of Holly's squeaky toys and mashed it under my laptop. You know that sound squeaky toys make when they "inhale"? I thought the deputy was going to pee his pants when he lifted up my laptop.

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